Just thinking.........
Posted 03-14-09 at 07:33 AM by treaurechest08
I’m crazy over you and I shouldn’t be. When I first met you I never expected to feel this way, but the truth remains is I do. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with you; lord knows I’ve tried all I can with you. I guess maybe I tried too hard. I wanted to share so much with you, because it seems as if you never received the real love you deserved. I thought maybe our worlds could mesh and we could learn so much from each other. I wanted so much to be that dose of reality, that sweet escape you needed from this cold cruel world we live in. Both going through rough times, reminiscing on past hurts, I thought we were heading somewhere until your little devil reared his head. You exposed me to pains I thought I would never feel again. While I watched my world crumble right before my eyes, I pretended not to notice, and kept it all inside; not realizing that I was slowly killing myself. I thought that if I tried harder pushing myself beyond limits maybe you would realize that you could let go of the bull shit and see that all you could ever want, ever need was right in front of you, but I guess I was the only one that saw it. I tried to open up to you and share my world with you but the more I did, the more you shut me out, and pushed me away. You pushed so hard that I let me self slip away from you, holding on to only a tiny strand of faith. I held on even though I felt myself falling faster and deeper into dead air. We fell further and further apart, I refused to try anymore. The further apart we fell, the more my feelings grew, the more it hurt because I realized you weren’t trying as hard anymore. Though everything within me told me to leave and find my happiness elsewhere, I couldn’t betray the commitment I had made to you. To you I stayed true, despite all the obstacles I faced trying to make things right; there wasn’t almost anything I wouldn’t do. All those times I disappeared days at a time, I was trying to regain my composure, trying to make some sense of all this mess, just trying. I found myself crying myself to sleep night after night, asking what I had done to deserve all that I was enduring, questioning where I went wrong. I asked myself if I was destined to be unhappy, and why you couldn’t see that all I wanted to do was make you happy. I fed into your dream of building together, and the little that was built I felt crumbling around me. I continued to pretend to be blind and oblivious to what was happening , everyone else around me saw how I was breaking down, and tried to get me to let it all go, but the little faith I still had left, would somehow take control, and wouldn’t allow it. My other life called and it’s where I am now, the truth is I wanted to forget you, but my heart wouldn’t let me. Every time I thought I was close to it, something would call me back to you, and again you would just disappoint me. And I’m now in a state of confusion, because I still don’t know your motives; you say hot but I see cold, you say blue but I see red. I remember how we used to see the same things. but here I am, still loving you, still craving you, still wanting you, still caring for you, still feeling like I’m just your convenience; still feeling like I should let it all go, let you go, forget it, forget there was even ever an us, forgetting that I even ever felt some type of love for you. I’m fucked up in the head and there’s a scar on my heart and it’s all because of you, you’re just another part of the club. The club you begged that I not grant you membership to. Truth remains, you entered at your own risk. I’m going on hiatus, taking a sabbatical. Not sure if and when I’ll return. If you so choose to take a gander into my world, pray that the gates aren’t closed, and that my gatekeeper sees your name on the list, hopefully too late is not your battle cry.
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